Why We're Planning an Annual Honeymoon
During our honeymoon, Xavier and I decided that every year we are going to go on a honeymoon, aka, a relaxing vacation for just the two of us. Why? Because we value our marriage and we are committed to fostering and nurturing it. Having never taken a real vacation together (apart from visiting family, competing in bodybuilding shows, and a super active Israel tour with our church…all of which are NOT relaxing) our honeymoon did so much for us emotionally, physically, and spiritually, and we want to make sure we experience that together at least once a year, more if we can.
Dorcas Cheng-Tozun, a writer that focuses on the intersection of start ups, family, marriage, and well-being, highlights the reasons why we all need to be taking real, unplugged vacations in this article.
The response to sharing our annual honeymoon plan with others has been remarkably disappointing:
“Good luck with that one.”
“Just wait till you have kids…you’ll see. There’s no such thing as a vacation.”
“That’s going to be really difficult.”
“Marriage is just downhill after your honeymoon. You won’t want a vacation with each other after a few years.”
Now, if I said, “I’m going to make a point to go visit my parents every year” or “I’m going to attend a personal development conference every year”, I don’t think anyone would bat an eyelash. Why is planning a yearly vacation with my spouse such a preposterous idea in our culture?
Divorce rates are at around 50% in the United States. If we’re not willing to work for our marriages, we should expect them to fail. Just like anything else we ignore. If you stop showing up to work or missing important meetings, you can expect that you will lose your job after some time. If you don’t actively make plans and engage with your friends, eventually the distance will creep in and you won’t have anyone to call when you need a pick me up.
Marriage is the same. We can’t take advantage of our partners because they are locked in and committed til death do we part. If we aren’t actively planning opportunities to be with each other, chances are, they aren’t going to happen.
Xavier and I are both entrepreneurs, along with 27 million other Americans. We both have our own personal training businesses. I spend the rest of my day building my coaching business, working corporate wellness fairs, and writing. Xavier is the Chief Operating Officer of two non-profit startups, along with being on the board for one of those organizations. He is assisting a third non-profit startup, in which he also mentors within that organization. He is also currently building up his own organization, and we are working on a creative project together, along with weekly volunteer commitments that we both have.
To say that we are busy would be an understatement. But we have also established that we will not be slaves to our calendar, especially not at the sake of our marriage.
I often hear couples say things like, “There’s not enough time to have a weekly date night.” One of my busiest, most successful clients (with 3 kids), has chosen to make dating his wife a priority. Every Friday night, for 18 years, he and his wife have gone on a date. If the date has to be cancelled for any reason, their agreement is that it is rescheduled for the same week, no exceptions. The result? A really happy, healthy marriage and a successful career.
As much as I want our marriage to be an exciting, romantic adventure, I am also not naive to know that if we aren’t proactive in our marriage, our schedule and our work will get the better hours of our day. I want to be my best with my spouse, the person I have chosen to build my life with.
When we were taking our pre-marriage course, one of the recommendations given to us was to schedule our date night, and schedule another, separate time to discuss important issues that need to be discussed. This way, dates are for catching up and enjoying each other, and budgeting, planning the week, or discussing a pain point does not take over your only opportunity to be one on one together that week. We scheduled these items in our calendar that day, and for the most part, we’ve been pretty good at sticking to our committed appointment times.
Sounds romantic, right? Setting appointments with your spouse? I get it. It’s not the adventure we all imagine when we’re planning our wedding and thinking of all of the spontaneity and fun we are about to endure with the person we are madly in love with. But coordinating schedules and sharing calendars, especially as busy entrepreneurs, is one sure fire way to make sure you are tending to your marriage.
As single people, I think you should look forward to marriage with expectancy and fun in mind, because it is those things. You should also set real expectations and have clear communication about what both of you expect long before you say “I do.”
And for us married people, we need to be rooting for marriage! We need to be encouraging to newlyweds about their plans for a successful marriage. When you see that newlywed glow and the adoring eyes a newly married couple is giving each other, use that as a reminder of how you felt when you first got married. Bring some fire back if it’s missing, and re-establish expectations in the marriage or priorities that may have dissipated over the years.
This is what works for us, 23 days into marriage. Yes, we are babies at this marriage thing. But we are also two people, committed to staying together forever and honoring the vows that we wrote and promised to one another. We know it’s going to be hard work, and we welcome that. We have set boundaries in our lives to protect our marriage, coupled with A LOT of prayer.
Decide as a couple what things you value most, and how you will nurture those values in your marriage.
We’re rooting for you!