Phoebe's Birth Story

I’ve been wanting to write Phoebe’s birth story since she was born and am just now getting around to it. When I was pregnant, reading other women’s positive birth stories became my favorite past time. I swear it was all I did in my free time those last few weeks. Television does such a terrible job of showing what childbirth really looks like, and it instills fear into first time moms like myself into thinking your birth is going to be an event full of chaos, panic, and screaming. I wanted to clear those images of fear from my mind.

Sharing my story not only allows me to remember all of the beautiful details, but also to give another first time mother a story to have in the back of her mind as she enters into the most special moments of her life. A reminder that many women have done it before her and she has the strength to bring her baby into the world.

Before we were even pregnant I knew that I was going to plan my birth with any children we were blessed to have in the most natural way possible. When I was earning my Health Coach certification through the Institute for Integrative Nutrition, we took a class on childbirth and pregnancy health by Dr. Christiane Northrup, a OB/GYN physician. Before taking this class, the details of birth had never crossed my mind. Everyone I knew had their babies in hospitals. Me and my siblings were all born by caesarean because my mother was told she was too small to give birth vaginally.

I learned in the class that many of the things that can slow or stall labor are a normal part of hospital births. Bright lights, noisy environments, and stress can actually decrease oxytocin (the hormone that is secreted during labor that causes contractions) levels and make labor longer, harder, and oftentimes leads to emergency c-sections.

When we found out we were expecting, the search for the right midwife started. My friend Dani is a doula and she sent me to The Brooklyn Birthing Center, the oldest freestanding birthing facility in NYC. She hadn’t had any births there before, but she had heard good things about them when she was earning her Doula certification.

When we were about 10 weeks pregnant, we visited the birthing center for orientation and to view the facility. The midwife leading orientation was so nice, and after looking at the facility, I knew this was where I wanted to give birth. Xavier was on board, and so we started our prenatal care with the midwives.

Throughout the remainder of my pregnancy, I read books that aligned with our birth plan. Ina May Gaskin’s “Guide to Childbirth” was a favorite. As was “Hypnobirthing: the Breakthrough to Safer, Easier, More Comfortable Childbirth” by Marie Mongan. We also took a 6-week hypnobirthing childbirth course, a breastfeeding class, we hired Dani to be our doula, and we did a dress rehearsal for when labor starts and delivery day. All of this was required by the birthing center in order to use their facility, but I felt like all of the preparation was so good for Xavier and I. We learned so much and we were so in tune with each other and our plan.

Another requirement to have our baby at the birthing center was that I had to be between 37-42 weeks pregnant. Not a day earlier or later. When we passed that 37 week mark it was like taking a huge deep sigh of relief because we knew we were in the clear for having our baby the way we had planned. Once we hit 37 weeks I told Phoebe she could come, that Daddy and I were ready to meet her.

She didn’t come right away. I promised myself I wouldn’t get anxious and that she would come when she was ready. I also versed myself in all of the developmental milestones that occur during those last few weeks of pregnancy to remind myself that it was okay if she waited until her due date to come, or even decided to come late! Tons of brain development happens during the 38-40ish week marks, so for all you anxious mamas to be, be patient.

When we were 39 weeks and 4 days pregnant, I started feeling my first real contractions. It was Sunday night and we were getting ready for bed. I had woken up with a bad cold that morning and so Xavier had quarantined me to the house so it had been an unusually restful day for us. The contractions were much different from the Braxton-Hicks I had been experiencing for months. I told Xavier, “I think this is it. We better cancel our sessions tomorrow.” So we notified our clients that baby was on the way, and we waited.

Our hypnobirthing instructor had made it very clear that when labor starts, it can be a while before baby comes, especially for first time moms. She told us to continue on with our day and “not make a fuss”. With that in the back of my mind, I thought, let’s just try to get some sleep!

I threw up once, also a sign of impending labor! We headed to bed. I experienced intense contractions in bed for about 4 hours, but there was no real rhythm so I couldn’t time them. I practiced my breathing techniques and recited my hypnobirthing mantras. At some point, I fell asleep. We woke up in the morning and Xavier was excitedly looking at me and asked, “How do you feel?”

I felt completely normal with the exception of my cold. No more contractions. Almost as if nothing had happened the night before. I was so disappointed and embarrassed that we canceled on our clients. I convinced myself she wasn’t going to come for a few more weeks. Dani was so sweet and supportive and assured me I would be meeting my baby soon.

We took it easy on Monday and enjoyed the day together. Monday night I anxiously awaited any sign of labor, but nothing.

Tuesday afternoon we had our 40 week check up with our midwives. I was excited to see them and have them check on her but also nervous they would tell me I wasn’t even close.

I had woken up with an intense urge to clean the apartment. I was scrubbing the bathtub, organizing our birth bag, and making sure everything was ready for baby girl.

As I was getting ready in the morning I noticed a small amount of blood and mucus in the toilet. During pregnancy you never want to see blood, not until your due date is close. I told Xavier I thought my mucus plug had come out. He was like, “Ok! This is exciting!” He had no idea what a mucus plug was but assumed by my reaction that it was a good thing. We texted Dani and she said this was all good news and to call her when we need her.

I was still fighting a cold and it was unusually warm for October but Xavier suggested we turn off the fans and air conditioning to help get rid of my cough. I was so hot and took a cool shower to relax before our appointment.

We went to our appointment and they checked Phoebe’s heart beat. She was perfect. Our midwife said her head was engaged and she was in position for birth. They asked me if I wanted them to check and see if I was dilated and sweep my membranes. I declined since we still had a few days until our due date. (Due dates are the 40 week mark) I also didn’t want to hear that I wasn’t dilated and be disappointed, or risk infection from having my membranes swept. I just left trusting that my baby would come when it was time.

Our midwife suggested we have an ultrasound done early next week to make sure baby has enough fluid and that the placenta is still healthy. We also scheduled a check up appointment for the following week in which the receptionist noted, “Hopefully you don’t make it to that appointment!” I briefly remembered the woman I had seen in the waiting room a few weeks prior who was two days away from her 42 week mark. At 42 weeks and 4 days you have to be induced. But the birthing center cannot assist you in your birth after 42 weeks. After her appointment she left the office crying. I knew her fear, after all of this planning and preparing for a natural birth, having to consider that you may be induced and have to deliver in a hospital with a doctor you’ve never met was a real possibility. I reminded myself that the most important thing if that were to happen to us, is that our baby arrive safely. The details won’t matter once she’s here. But I still so desperately wanted our birth to go as planned.

We headed home and ate dinner. We joked that it might be the last night that we are just a family of two. I bounced on my birth ball and we got ready for bed.

When I used the bathroom before heading to bed, I noticed a lot of mucus and blood. I brought Xavier in and he again said, “This is exciting!” We texted Dani told her, “Ok now I REALLY lost my mucus plug!” And then I threw up.

With the advice from our hypnobirthing instructor in mind again, we headed to bed. Contractions started almost immediately after losing my mucus plug and were intense from the get go, but having had a false alarm two days prior I brushed it off and insisted we try and get some rest just in case we had a long night ahead of us.

Xavier dozed in and out of sleep while I tried to rest between contractions, but after a few hours of very intense and frequent contractions I decided to get into the bath.

I woke Xavier up and he stayed with me in the bathroom and started timing my contractions. It was around midnight when I got into the bath and contractions were coming every 3-4 minutes. After an hour or so in the bath I thought I should probably not sit in the water too long because we were having a water birth and I didn’t want to be a prune. It’s funny the ridiculous things you think about when you’re somewhat out of your mind.

I had read from many other women’s labor stories that the shower feels great on your lower back so after the water drained from the tub, I turned on the shower. It felt soothing, but Xavier was worried I wasn’t steady during contractions if I was standing up. I decided to head to the living room, for some reason I didn’t want to get back in bed...it just seemed too uncomfortable at the time.

I laid down on our living room floor (I’m not joking) and tried laboring on my hands and knees and leaning on my birth ball. Xavier asked me if I wanted to lay down in bed. “No” I grunted. So he brought pillows and blankets over to me on the floor and laid next to me. He reminded me of our birth mantras, told me how strong I was, and kept exclaiming how exciting it was that we were going to meet our daughter soon.

Once I got out of the shower the contractions were so intense that I hardly spoke or opened my eyes again until Phoebe was born. I was using my hypnobirthing practices and really focusing on my breathe and listening to my body.

Xavier insisted I try to eat so I would have energy to make it through the rest of labor and delivery. I had no appetite but I knew he was right, especially considering I hadn’t slept at all that night. He made me a yogurt parfait with blueberries and brought it over to me on the floor. I picked out the blueberries and had a few bites of yogurt but I just couldn’t get myself to eat much, then I threw up again.

It was just before 5 am at this point and Xavier and I had been laboring alone since 8pm. He suggested that we should probably contact our doula now. I agreed and he texted her. She said she was expecting to hear from us sooner and was surprised we labored alone as long as we did. He told her my contractions were 4-5 minutes apart and lasting a little over a minute. She headed over right away while Xavier called the midwife on call at the birthing center. It just so happened to be the midwife we had seen the afternoon before for our appointment.

At this point I headed back into the shower to ease the pain as the contractions were growing in intensity. The midwife wanted to talk to me to see how I was doing. Xavier explained I was in the shower having contractions, but she insisted. I’m assuming this is to prevent women from coming to the birthing center too early in their labor.

Xavier came into the bathroom and told me she wanted to talk to me. I think I shot him a look of disgust and offense because I was in no mood to talk, and I was in a good rhythm with my hypnobirthing breathing and this was highly distracting. He held the phone near me in the shower on speakerphone. She was asking me questions but I was too exhausted and in too much pain to really answer her. She told Xavier to have our doula assess whether or not it was time to head to the birthing center when she got there.

Out doula arrived at 5:40 and came into the bathroom to watch me have a few contractions. She asked how I was doing and offered to help me through my next contraction by doing the double hip squeeze. This helped ease the pressure so much!

I heard her step out and tell Xavier it was time to go. He called the midwife back and told her we were on our way.

While Xavier gathered our bags and called a car, Dani helped me out of the shower. Getting dressed and downstairs felt like it took forever because I was having contractions so frequently and I would have to pause what I was doing and focus. I even started having a contraction as I was getting out of the elevator in our building and I remember thinking I was going to be stuck in our elevator having contractions. It’s quite funny looking back on it.

Xavier and Dani got me outside but the car hadn’t arrived yet. Xavier looked for the car while Dani let me hang over her shoulders while I went through contractions. The owners of the coffee shop across the street from us pulled up and said, “Oh is it time?!” Xavier said, “Yes.” And I remember thinking, I hope they don’t come over here and talk to us. They didn’t.

The car pulled up and I started to get nervous that he wouldn’t want to take us because I was in labor, then I worried that I was going to have the baby in the car. Dani assured me I wasn’t going to have the baby in the car. They covered the seats with chux pads and sat on either side of me and held my hands. Xavier told the driver, “It may be a little loud back here, we’re having a baby!” The driver said, “No problem!”

We arrived at the birthing center just before 7am. The midwives brought us in and told me they needed to check to see how far dilated I was and then they needed to monitor the baby’s heartbeat before I could get into the tub.

They checked me and asked if I wanted to know how far dilated I was, I declined because I didn’t want it to disappoint me if I wasn’t as far along as I thought I should be. Dani pulled the midwife aside and asked her how dilated I was for her own knowledge and after Phoebe was born she shared with me that I was 7cm at that point.

The midwife exclaimed, “Well the good news is that you’re not going home!” In my head I was like, lady you would have to drag me out of here. There’s no way I was going back home!

One of the midwives hooked me up to the fetal monitoring system while the other one started filling the birth tub for me. Xavier and Dani took turns keeping the monitor in place on my belly. This was one of the hardest moments of labor for me as I had to sit (as still as possible) in a chair.

To my knowledge, fetal monitoring is constant in the hospital so women are required to keep still during labor. This is so hard and so painful and having had to do this for 30 minutes or so I understand why so many women choose to get an epidural in the hospital. The birthing center I used does an initial 30 minute monitor on baby and then routine heartbeat checks every 15 minutes thereafter.

***EDIT: One of my friends who has had two unmedicated hospital births informed me that it all depends on the hospital you use. She did not have constant fetal monitoring, she was able to move around freely, and she denied cervical checks. Great questions to ask when doing hospital or birthing center tours!

Once the midwives felt comfortable with Phoebe’s condition they moved me into the birthing tub. The warm water felt like such a relief after sitting on a chair and I felt my body relax momentarily into the water.

But the work was far from done. I was still having contractions every 3-4 minutes and they were continually growing in intensity. Xavier, Dani, and I got into a rhythm with my contractions. When I felt a surge coming on I would lean towards Xavier who was sitting near the edge of the tub and brace myself on his arms, he would hold me and coach me through my breathing while Dani leaned over us and squeezed my hips while encouraging me through the remainder on the contraction. When it was finished I would slip back into the tub in silence, request a sip of water, and try to regain my strength for the next surge. This was our routine up until the last 4-5 contractions before Phoebe was born.

I remember watching birth videos of women who had used hypnobirthing in the weeks leading up to our birth. Our hypnobirthing instructor said it would be encouraging to watch other women who had used the same techniques we planned on using and to build confidence that we can do it too. The videos all showed women who were so relaxed and quiet during their labor and then their baby just sort of popped out. This was not my experience, and I don’t say that to scare anyone, only to let you know that childbirth is different for everyone! And each birth can be different from the last.

As a relatively quiet person I found that as my contractions got stronger and baby was getting closer I had to make noise during my surges. At one point during labor, I couldn’t resist the urge to start pushing. It was like my body was just saying, “Okay now you need to push.” I had read that you would know when to push, and that didn’t make any sense to me until it happened. Every surge after that I was pushing and almost growling...it felt like the most natural response for my body to make to help get her out.

During one of my surges I felt a strong “pop” and started to panic internally because I had no idea where it came from. Dani was standing over me and exclaimed, “I think your water just broke my love!” I was so relieved she was there, not just in that moment alone but throughout the entire experience. Having her expertise and guidance allowed Xavier and I to just focus on what we had learned.

Every 15 minutes the midwife would check Phoebe’s heart rate. Occasionally she wouldn’t be able to reach low enough on my belly with the Doppler so I would have to stand up. Those moments were always slightly terrifying until I would hear her little heartbeat and go right back into my meditative state. When I started getting the urge to push, our midwife took notice and said, “Elizabeth, it sounds like you’re pushing. Are you?” I responded, “I can’t help it. I have to.” She said, “No it’s good!”

A few surges later she told me to reach down and see if I could feel Phoebe’s head. I knew this was an attempt to encourage me because I was so exhausted at this point. She told me, “It will feel very fleshy.” I reached down and felt a ton of hair. I didn’t have the energy to tell anyone so it was my little secret that I knew this baby was coming out with a full head of hair!

Eventually the position I had been in the entire time I was in the birth tub was becoming uncomfortable so I turned a bit to the side. I could feel that Phoebe was getting closer and now I was getting so anxious to meet her. I started really pushing to get her out, but after the surge would end I felt like I hadn’t made any progress.

This went on for a few contractions and my midwife told me that her head was there, I just needed one strong push. On my next surge I tried as hard as I could to get her out, I heard everyone in the room telling me her head was coming, but my surge ended and she went right back in.

I was getting so frustrated and for the first time since labor started, I was in tears. I had come to the end and felt stuck. Another surge came, I pushed, her head started to come out, the surge ended and she went back in. Instead of relaxing between surges I started trying to keep pushing but my body wouldn’t work with me. Our midwife told me that if I didn’t get her out in the next couple of contractions we would need to check the baby’s heart rate again to make sure she wasn’t in distress.

I said a prayer and asked God to help me get her out. I reminded myself that I could do this, my body was created to be able to do this. My next surge came and with more determination than ever I pushed. Her head was out, our midwife told me to keep pushing. I tried but as the surge ended she went right back in.

I told myself to rest and focused on my breathing. I told myself, this is it, you’re getting her out. As my next surge started I gathered all of my strength and pushed and breathed. Out slipped our sweet little girl. She was born at 10:43am.

I didn’t even realize she had come out. Our midwife handed her to Xavier and I heard him say, “her umbilical chord is around her neck”. The midwife checked and it was actually just draped around but not tight. She unraveled it and I pulled her out of the water and onto my chest. I couldn’t believe I was finally meeting this little person I had already fallen in love with for the first time. She looked nothing like I imagined she would, but somehow so familiar.

She wasn’t breathing yet but also didn’t seem distressed. She just looked at me with curious eyes. Our midwife rubbed her back and gave her a few pats but she still didn’t take a breath yet. She brought over an oxygen mask and within seconds, Phoebe took her first breath. I held her and looked at Xavier. “We did it!” I told him. We kissed and looked at her, both in complete awe.

I completely forget about the last 12 hours. The frustration, the pain, all of it was a complete blur and I had a burst of energy. Having not slept or eaten I expected to feel exhausted but I was anything but that. I was so energized and excited, and if it weren’t for my midwife telling me to make sure I rest and sit for the next few weeks, I would have thought I could run a marathon.

Everyone helped me out of the tub while I was still holding our babe. I realized nobody in the room knew her name yet so I excitedly said, “This is Phoebe!”

Our midwives brought me over to the bed and helped me deliver my placenta. Xavier and I laid together in bed holding our newest family member while she told us how she felt about the birth experience.

For the next few hours Xavier and I took turns holding her. We ordered food for us and Dani and our birth photographer, Michelle. We sat and ate and reminisced about the last 12 hours while the midwives came in occasionally to check on me and Phoebe. We called our parents and siblings to let them know that Phoebe had arrived.

One of the midwives came in and gave me some breastfeeding tips and helped me get her latched and feeding. She told us that since Phoebe and I were both recovering well we could head home soon. They did her measurements and weight on the bed with us and gave her the vitamin K shot. She screamed and I cried but hearing Xaviers voice calmed her down.

At 3pm we started packing our stuff and by 4pm we were on our way home. Phoebe fell asleep after being so alert since her birth. Her Uncle Ulysses called us a car and by 5pm we were back home, just 11 hours after we had left!

Dani came home with us to help carry our things and make sure we were all situated. When she left we both looked at each other, now completely exhausted, and completely amazed that our daughter was here with us. Xaviers dad stopped by to meet his grand baby and I went to take a shower. I realized it was the first time since January that Phoebe and I weren’t physically in the same place.

We went to bed that night having no idea what we were doing and both constantly touching her chest to make sure she was breathing. It was the most adventurous and life changing day of our lives.

Here’s some photos from that day shot by my beautiful friend Michelle.